Warning: The following rant/realization is full of gramatic and spelling errors.
OK so I was sitting on my balcony just now overlooking Destin harbor and thinking to myself 'how and why am I so bleh about all this right now? Look at this view. Think about your day. It consist of waking up, going to the gym, sitting here for a while, then going down to the pool every single day. Why are you feeling this way?"
I started to think of the different reasons why I might be feeling this way. Is it a concern about money? NO. Working for BP I made more in five months than a lot of people make year round. Hell I made more than some of the people that taught me at LSU and I did it in five months. I've paid off my car, paid loans till June and I still have a lot left over to show for it.
I kept thinking it's all money money money. That's my issue. But it isn't. Sure I like money. I currently don't need it but I would like to have more because more is always better because of the fact that you can fall back on savings if need be. The real reason poped into my head though.
It's because I'm bored. I started to think about how if I had gone to grad school I would be loving my life right now and everything because it's what I like to do. Given I also thought about the fact that I didn't have any money before the BP job and that it was a bad idea to go at the time and the only real reason I wanted to go wasn't so much because it was something that would advance my career but something I just wanted to do because I loved being in school. I also love to work though. I loved working offshore, I loved working as a locksmith, I loved working on films and TV and I just loved working. SO that brought me to the realization that I just love to have something to accomplish.
I love to have a goal in life. Whether it's a short term goal or a long term goal it doesn't matter. It is simply the fact that I like to know that I am accomplishing something. Sure the beach is nice and I like being out here but not having a thing to go to everyday to feel like I am accomplishing or making some change or just compleating some goal is my issue.
In the end I would like to make money of course but what I need more so is something to look forward to doing everyday. Even if it is a mundane sweeping the floors type of job, I at least have a place to go and be part of something and accomplish something.
In all honestly. Just typing this out is making me feel better, simply based upon the fact that I just did something productive. Not very productive but I did just finish something that I set out to finish and fulfilled a short term goal.
Now whats the next step? Do I wait for them to finish the lengthy hiring process for the government job, do I get a McJob, do I apply for grad school as so many people have told me to do. In the end I think the answer honestly is just getting something small until the career starts. Sure I would love to go to grad school but in the end is being a master of something that you can't really market right now going to be any better. I think not.
I need to find a goal to finish. I need to feel accomplishment. That's the whole issue I'm having. Well I feel better just finishing this here.
Good day.
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